The Attack of the Pharmaceuticals

On those nights when I can muster the courage to watch the news, my expectations are always exceeded. Or, is it that my fears are always confirmed? Whatever they are, they consist of a frightened anticipation that things might be even worse than the night before. Also present is an unspecified dread that the events they are reporting may have some kind of direct impact on me. Every now and then might be bearable, but night after night?

As disturbing as these reports from around the world are, the commercials shown between the news segments are as, no, are even more disturbing. They not only seem to take up more minutes than the actual news, but they directly relate to my mortality and the general breakdown that my body, like all others, must undergo over time. Personally, that breakdown seems to be gathering momentum. Aches, pains, and problems make themselves known on an ever more frequent basis and they seem to stick around longer.

I’ve been reading about the Mind-Body Connection and, each night, I see that these drug companies have no interest in helping me. They would rather plant the seed that Arthritis or PAD (whatever that is) is taking root, at this very moment, in my quite vulnerable and susceptible body. Statistics have proven this and you know you can’t escape that kind of truth. No matter how special you might think you are today, tomorrow you will be just one more number in a long and indifferent report.

You and your friends will never again be able to be more than 30 yards away from a bathroom. You‘ll have all kinds of trouble going, stopping, getting up in the night, and a lot of other things I don’t want to think about. You could be out biking with other gray-haired guys, who never even think about going. Or, you could be kayaking miles away from the nearest bathroom. All you have to do is ask your doctor about it. You’re there all the time, anyway. Just ask him.

Sure, there are some side effects, but they’re not major, only dry mouth, excessive perspiration, sudden seizures, vomiting, runny nose, debilitating muscle spasms, difficulty breathing, dementia, and the ever-present threat of sudden heart attacks, leading to death. Okay! I’m asking!

It used to be that I only needed to be aware of the heartbreak of Psoriasis or an occasional blinding headache, but just as things are deteriorating in the Middle East, so are they deteriorating right here at home. At my house. In my bed. Inside me!

I never used to have any of these problems. I could go for walks without suffering blocked arteries. My allergies never bothered me. Heck, I didn’t even have any. And, though not a Casanova, I have always thought of myself as a local Don Juan. But now, I know that I am part of the growing (if I may use that word) E.D. population. I find myself envious of guys I would have laughed at before. I see that they have fulfilling relationships with people they are actually married to, and many of them have matching bathtubs! By the ocean!

Each day, my list of problems grows. I can’t keep up with all of them. I think it’s safe to say that there is no part of me that isn’t diseased. My eyes are dry, my joints ache, I’ve got Athlete’s Foot, my stomach is upset and full of gas, my blood can’t circulate properly, my levels are low, my blood pressure is high, I’m often disoriented, and I’m about to have a heart attack, at any moment.

I can’t think about the News. I’ve got a lot more problems than that. No wonder I’m depressed. Maybe there’s something I can take for that.