The Spam Ultimatum

No longer am I going to be an average guy! I’ve had it. Girls are emailing me all the time. I can get pills that will keep me up, slow me down, make me bigger, smaller, and a bunch of things I’m not going to talk about. I’m going to get a new job. Management. I’m going to be better looking, last longer, save money, and while I’m at it, I’m going to invest in some stocks that are going to blow the roof off of the Dow.

I’ve got the best line on Swiss watches, OEM software, and life-changing herbal pills. It’s amazing how many people are sending me post cards and I went to school with most of them. I’m not kidding, my portfolio is going crazy! There is an unusually huge volume to it, some of my holdings are “Super Novas”, and there is no way I am going to miss out on the next big market.

I don’t want to keep harping on this, but a lot of these emails are concerned about my health and my romantic life. I’m supposed to get ready, right now, because I’m going to get a massive self-confidence boost. Not only that, but I am about to become the man I always have wanted to be. A man who is the ultimate pleasure machine with no negative side-effects, and I will no longer be shy of my manhood, because she will love me more than any other guy.

Is this a great life or what? I was never like this before I got online. Now, everyone is saying Hi, Hey ya, Hello, Tell me more. They are thanking me all over the place and they want me to confirm my winning prize. I’m not worried about bills or spare cash or anything, because there are a lot of guys who want to help me fight out the cash crumbs, even though I’m not sure what that means. They’re going to refinance, restructure and blow away my debts.

I’m getting emails from people I never even knew I knew. I knew I knew? Anyway, I have heard from Elvis Montoya, Tammi Hammer, Novella Candida, Albin Nudge, Kasper Morelli, and, of course, Skyler Buchanan. If I was a writer, I could use some of these names in a novel that throbbed with intrigue and heartbreak. Galen, Eric, Andres, Sammy, Frankie, Benny, Homer, and Josh. Bianca, Ruby, Donna, Lena, and Shantel. And how could I have forgotten Jestine Laschaunda, Roderick Duke, and Donny Rivers, who lived next door to me?

It’s incredible. My life is rich beyond my wildest dreams. It seems everyone is interested in me. People care about me and about what’s going to happen to me. This is really different. I’m getting a little choked up. I’m not sure I know what to say to all these guys. And the real problem is that these are just the ones I received today. And, it’s only 3 pm. I better go.