Thursday, November 29, 2007
The Birds!
The birds have taken over the backyard. Hitchcock never prepared me for this. It’s not scary, but it is overwhelming. They are everywhere and there are a lot of them. I’ve read about their general decline, in numbers. A distressing, catastrophic decline.
But, out there, past the porch, it sure doesn’t seem like it. Maybe it’s that I am really appreciating them for the first time. Actually noticing them. They are so wild. And, some of them, are huge. Their wings flap, as if in slow motion. A whop, whop, whopping, as they cross from left to right or, sometimes, right to left. Their calls echo in an eerie manner. They swoop down and speed off with small rodents and dearly beloved pets, clutched in their deadly talons. And, some are so small that, if I’m not careful, they will buzz right up and bore into my skull with their sharp little beaks.
Okay, they’re not just scary, they are amazing. Worthy of study, not just by ornithologists, but by completely untutored guys, like myself. One of the wonderful things that bird watchers do is keep lists. Lists of birds seen, when seen, what was going on, weather conditions, distinctive markings, and whatever else seems pertinent. This gives me an excuse to introduce a small and incomplete, but somehow poetic list, of the ones I’ve seen, right in my own backyard, and put it right here on the page. Here goes: eagles, owls, hawks of all kinds, vultures, crows, ravens, magpies, meadowlarks, starlings, robins, grosbeaks, sparrows, finches, and hummingbirds.
And, when I lived a couple of miles away, next to what Minnesotans would call a pond, but what they designate here as a lake, I saw cormorants, ducks of all kinds, geese (Canadian and otherwise), and, my favorite, White Pelicans, gliding far up, their black feathers contrasting with the immaculate white of the rest of them, on some miraculous breeze, seeing the country on what might be the ultimate road trip. They are beautiful.
Birds. You can’t deny it. They’re wild. They can fly. And, they can sing like crazy.
You have probably guessed that we don’t have the normal kind of backyard. We are lucky, beyond our dreams, to have a big field in back of the house. On one side, it runs up to the foothills of the Rockies and, on the other, slopes down toward Nebraska or, if you get lost, Kansas. It’s big. It’s open. The sky is huge. It used to be the Wild West, but now it’s almost a suburb. We’re trying to live together with the birds, but everybody has their own needs and theirs are a little different than ours. It’s not a simple thing.
That decline I mentioned before is one that, I am afraid, we are responsible for. Big and clumsy as we are, we have encroached on their habitat, squeezing them out and replacing everything with houses that are a bit more than we need or can even figure out how to decorate, and swimming pools and shopping centers and Dairy Queens and a lot of other things that seem absolutely necessary.
And that’s only part of the problem. There are the sad, catastrophic, and fatal results of Global Warming: unnatural weather, drought, heat, fires, floods, tornados, hurricanes, and a general disruption of seasons and status quo. CO2, pesticides, hunting, toxic substances, and an ever-expanding covering of concrete. It’s a dilemma.
We are so outnumbered by birds and insects, that it seems we can’t notice any problems until they become huge, major predicaments, with disastrous overtones. It’s been a gradual thing and, like I said, there are tons of birds, but that’s why it’s hard to get a handle on just how things are changing. These birds are asking for our help. Well, chirping for it and, if we could understand what they were saying, maybe things would be different. We need to make some serious changes. I don’t think birdseed and a few crumbs are going to be enough.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Inhuman Poundage
It’s all about eating, isn’t it? I mean, we need to eat to live. It’s imperative. Whether it’s M & Ms and burgers or salads and tofu, we need to eat to fuel our bodies, to get the energy to do whatever it is we do.
Someone once said, “You are what you eat.” I think that’s taking things a bit too far. I am not a milkshake! I am not a turkey! Speaking of which, Thanksgiving was two days ago and I’m still not hungry. Sure, I’ve eaten. I admit it, even though I said I would never eat again. At least, not in that overblown, though delicious, fashion.
I like to think I have free will. And, I do. But habit carries such a weight (pardon me) that each breakfast, lunch, and dinner seems not only inevitable, but, also, necessary. And, that’s just not true. I can’t remember the last time I was really hungry. And, that’s not because those synapses are faulty. I carry enough on me to supply my needs for weeks. Maybe, I was right. Maybe, I carry enough to last until next Thanksgiving!
The question is, do I really need to eat this much? And, is it really healthy to go from meal to meal with expectations of, not only functional fullness, but also something approaching Food Channel requirements?
Emeril, Mario, Anthony. Rachel and Paula, too. I’m on a first name basis with all these guys and that’s scary. Coming from a modest Minnesota background, peanut butter and jelly, tuna casserole, and meatloaf have always been good enough for me. Now, if I can pronounce every ingredient correctly, I know something’s wrong. Did you know there are different kinds and flavors of Olive Oil?
As things become more global, we’re lucky, but it’s so confusing. Nothing is a comfort anymore. Everything is an adventure.
I don’t know why I’m complaining. This seems to be a problem only for older, lucky, white Americans. When I say thanks, I mean it. On Thanksgiving and on every other day. I just wonder what I did to deserve that extra piece of pie?
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Spam Ultimatum
No longer am I going to be an average guy! I’ve had it. Girls are emailing me all the time. I can get pills that will keep me up, slow me down, make me bigger, smaller, and a bunch of things I’m not going to talk about. I’m going to get a new job. Management. I’m going to be better looking, last longer, save money, and while I’m at it, I’m going to invest in some stocks that are going to blow the roof off of the Dow.
I’ve got the best line on Swiss watches, OEM software, and life-changing herbal pills. It’s amazing how many people are sending me post cards and I went to school with most of them. I’m not kidding, my portfolio is going crazy! There is an unusually huge volume to it, some of my holdings are “Super Novas”, and there is no way I am going to miss out on the next big market.
I don’t want to keep harping on this, but a lot of these emails are concerned about my health and my romantic life. I’m supposed to get ready, right now, because I’m going to get a massive self-confidence boost. Not only that, but I am about to become the man I always have wanted to be. A man who is the ultimate pleasure machine with no negative side-effects, and I will no longer be shy of my manhood, because she will love me more than any other guy.
Is this a great life or what? I was never like this before I got online. Now, everyone is saying Hi, Hey ya, Hello, Tell me more. They are thanking me all over the place and they want me to confirm my winning prize. I’m not worried about bills or spare cash or anything, because there are a lot of guys who want to help me fight out the cash crumbs, even though I’m not sure what that means. They’re going to refinance, restructure and blow away my debts.
I’m getting emails from people I never even knew I knew. I knew I knew? Anyway, I have heard from Elvis Montoya, Tammi Hammer, Novella Candida, Albin Nudge, Kasper Morelli, and, of course, Skyler Buchanan. If I was a writer, I could use some of these names in a novel that throbbed with intrigue and heartbreak. Galen, Eric, Andres, Sammy, Frankie, Benny, Homer, and Josh. Bianca, Ruby, Donna, Lena, and Shantel. And how could I have forgotten Jestine Laschaunda, Roderick Duke, and Donny Rivers, who lived next door to me?
It’s incredible. My life is rich beyond my wildest dreams. It seems everyone is interested in me. People care about me and about what’s going to happen to me. This is really different. I’m getting a little choked up. I’m not sure I know what to say to all these guys. And the real problem is that these are just the ones I received today. And, it’s only 3 pm. I better go.
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